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| 05:22pm 24/10/2008 |
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mood:  sad
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So it's officially over... i got the last of my stuff out of logan's apartment today...
it's been a really emotional last couple of months. i had one final talk with him a few days ago and i went over to his place yesterday to get my stuff out and fucking ashley (his new gf)'s stuff was all over and it was just really upsetting and really hard for me to be there. and maybe this makes me a terrible person but out on his desk was a note from ashley and i read it and it just hurt so much. unfortunately i had forgotten a few big things so i went back today to get them.
i never wanted it to be like this. i cant even hang out w/ his friends anymore really even though i was good friends with them too because he's always there with ashley and i dont ever want to be around them when they're together. the thought of them being together makes me sick to my stomach. and i think what hurts the most is that he doesn't even care. he breaks my heart and hes the one who's happy with someone else while i'm still miserable.
we tried to make the whole being friends thing work but i don't think it can anymore. he told me that he would like to still be friends but it doesn't affect him the same way it affects me. but i'm just stuck in this void now where i don't know what to do with myself because i am just continuously getting hurt being around him knowing that he's with ashley and having him lie to me about her over and over again. but at the same time i am so miserable without him at all and i can't stop thinking about him and i do want to hang out with him because we have so much fun together even after we broke up. i guess only time will tell what will happen from now on... |
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| 01:47am 01/07/2008 |
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mood: discontent music: billy joel-for the longest time
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god damn... karma is such a bitch to me all the time. i should know not to do bad things because it just gets thrown back at me ten fold. why do relationships of any kind have to be so hard? |
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something infinately interesting |
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| new tattoo |
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| 09:18pm 22/06/2008 |
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its a jewish star of david with the hebrew symbol for life in the middle. its on my right side like near my hip but a lil further back and i love the way it came out. let me know what you think |
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| 06:59am 22/06/2008 |
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mood:  tired music: incubus-i miss you
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so i got another tattoo last night... it was a little bit of an impulse but kind of not because i was debating getting another... i just didnt think it would be for a while, but i just finished my first week of work and my roommate asked me if i wanted to go with her so i thought y shouldnt i? and i really like the way it came out. i'll put up a pic later but i dont have time now because i have to be at the stupid bioengineering symposium at 7am... after i spent all day there yesterday and most of friday. ugh its so boring. i know i should b interested in this stuff and some of it i am but most of it im just not. o well. so yea i'll post a pic later today of my new tat so u guys can let me no what u think of it |
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something infinately interesting |
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| so much update |
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| 01:49am 18/06/2008 |
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mood:  content
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so yea i havent had any time to update on my life but now i do so i'll do some updating. umm so i went to israel for 12 days and it was fuckin awesome. so many jews lol really great people i met in my group and everything was so gorgeous. so if u havent checked it out yet, u can look at my photos on facebook. but yea we did soo much. the tour guides even told us that what we did in a day, other ppl do in lik 2 weeks. we did alot of lik tourist-ish stuff but we also did alot of hikes like up mountains and down valleys and to waterfalls and to see the sunrise. we went to the western wall in jerusalem, we rode camels, we went kayaking, we went to a holocaust museum, we went camping in tents, we chilled on the beach, we went shopping, we went clubbing, we swam in the dead sea and the meditaranean sea, and so much more. it was ridic. but so great. newho so then i was home for 5 days and logan came to visit for 3 of them. it was so fun and so great to see him. we rented movies for thurs night, then fri we went to the brooklyn aquarium and coney island, fri night we had a small party at my friend kate's house and in the middle my friends brought out cupcakes with candles and sang happy bday to me cause im not gona b home for my bday. it was so cute. then on sat logan was leaving and i had car trouble so i spent too much time that day workin on that and not with him but we left on good terms and i've spoke to him everyday since so i think its all good...
but anyway.. so i got to cali on sunday afternoon and got my apartment... im sharing a room with another girl in a dif summer program and theres another bedroom with a girl who lives here all year round. theres also a kitchen and living room. so i met a few ppl my first day, one of which lives in riverside and has a car. he drove us to laguna beach and it was so fun. so then monday i started working and it turns out i was put in a computer lab doing programming! i friggen hate programming so i was freakin out most of yesterday because i came here to do lab work, not sit in front of a computer all summer. so i was not a happy camper, but i spoke to my program director and hes luckily gona switch me to another lab for tomorrow and the rest of the summer, so hopefully that will b much better.
so thats my life pretty much. this is really long but i feel i had a lot to catch up on. leave me comments? and keep on truckin'
ps. i'm talkin to logan online now and i was tellin him how i put up pics of him and i sleep with the stuffed animal he gave me every night and he was like "i got pics of you...and i listen to music that reminds me of you at night" that is the cutest thing ever!! ugh i miss him so much already... |
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| 12:37am 09/05/2008 |
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mood:  pissed off
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god damn.... why are boys so stupid and bad at understanding girls. i dont understand it and i hate it so much sometimes |
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| major update |
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| 10:16am 05/05/2008 |
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mood: excited music: jimmy eat world
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so i have not written in this is farrrr too long. i'm almost done with my second year of college and i havent given like a real update since the summer. damn. i have just been far too busy with life to update. hmm so school has been ok. i wasnt really happy with my classes for fall and winter quarter, but im actually enjoying my classes this quarter, so even tho im taking 20 credits, it doesnt seem that bad. i've also been working at the pool on campus which is boring but i need the money. i have a new bf who isnt really all that new anymore but hes new to this lj. heres a picture:
his name is logan and we have been unofficial dating since like the end of november and officially dating since the middle of february. hes a 2nd year software engineer from syracuse and hes one of the greatest guys i know. he makes me so happy and we spend like all of our free time together. i practically live at his apartment and i love it because we have so much fun w/ his roommates and the guys next door.
so i have 2 more weeks left of classes for this year, then finals week, and then summer vacation! and i'm so freakin excited because this is looking like its going to be the greatest summer ever. lauren is coming up to visit for a few days before i leave and shes driving back down to long island with me on may 24 or 25. then i'll be home for a few days and then i'm going to israel for 2 weeks for birthright with emily!!! i'm sooo excited for that. everyone i've talked who went said it was like the best time ever. and then i come home from that on june 10 and will b home for another few days and then i'll be off to california for 10 weeks! yes you read right. i applied and got a paid internship for undergraduate research in bioengineering at the university of california, riverside. omg i still cant believe it and i can not wait. i will however be away for my birthday and will not see anyone all summer which is a little sad, but i think this is just a really great opportunity for me. and i want to go to disneyland and do all the other awesome things there are to do in cali. if anyone wants to come visit they are more than welcome to. well this is getting rather long and thats pretty much my life at the moment. i have a ton of work to do before the quarter ends but in less than 3 weeks it will all be over and the fun can start. i can not wait. |
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| tattoooo!!! |
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| 02:29pm 29/10/2007 |
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mood: excited music: alkaline trio-sadie
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so i finally got my tattoo and i love it so much. i am so friggen glad i got it and i've been in such a great mood ever since i got it done yesterday. i can't believe i really did it but i am so happy with how it came out and i think it was so worth it. i still haven't figured out if/when/how i will my parents but i really don't care right now. i got this for myself and its my body and my decision so they will just have to deal with that i guess. so enjoy! and if you don't thats really too bad |
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| damn... |
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| 02:11am 31/08/2007 |
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mood: crappy
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tonight kind of made me really sad about life... we went to this dance thing in the SAU and by we i mean me, jess, laura, mal, emily, and a bunch of ppl from emily's floor. ok so we get there and there was wayyyy more ppl than i thought there was going to be. i mean we went last year and it was lame as hell but this year it was like packed. and there was some pretty cute guys there. and alot of the guys are dancing with girls which surprised me because i go to RIT. so me and jess are on the prowl all the time so we start dancing and scoping out hot guys to dance with. we were prob there for like an hr and a half and not a single guy made ne attempt to dance with me. meanwhile i was standing w/ jess and at least 3 times guys walked literally right past me and started dancing w/ jessica. it sucked so bad. i can not believe that not one guy there wanted to dance with me. there were even girls there who are far uglier and far fatter than me that were dancing with guys. so wat the fuck is wrong with me? |
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| holy crap |
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| 01:40am 10/08/2007 |
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mood: ecstatic music: incubus-sick sad little world
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this has been pretty much a great week. emily was here and i love her. we went for chinese food in china town at lik 2am, went to the wax museum which was fun and funny as hell, went to warped tour was fuckin awesome (so many good bands and free shit), went to the beach late at night, and then she left and it was a really good time. then i got my car (see previous entry) and i still am loving it more than most ppl i know. then tonight i went to see incubus with amanda and tasha and we met malarie there. i fuckin love incubus so much. brandon boyd is a god send and he is my hero. i am still like feeling all full of adrenaline from the concert. or it could b all the pot every1 around us was smoking. who knows. but it was fucking great. ugh words cant describe how amazing they make me feel. the only thing was he didnt play stellar and he didnt take off his shirt which were both disappointing but ill forgive him because i still want to have his children. newho i better stop talking about him before i get all hot and bothered lol so next week im going to projekt revolution with cat and im also uber excited about that. ive wanted to c linkin park since i was like 12 and there r a few other bands playing that i really want to see. so that should also be great. except we have lik nosebleed seats but its ok. alright well i should try to calm down and get some sleep cuz i have work in the morning. im also not going to have a voice in the morning but thats ok.
so in conclusion: brandon boyd + new car = sex |
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| i have no clue nemore |
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| 02:03am 06/08/2007 |
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mood:  gloomy music: alkaline trio-mercy me
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so this weekend was really great for the most part. emily came to visit me and i love her to death. but it really made me realize something. i'm a completely different person when i'm home than when i'm away at school and i really don't like who i am when i'm at home at all. i wish i wasn't like this but i honestly don't know how to be any other way. just like i can't help who i am when not here. but i still hate it so much.
newho its another emo night for me. today is exactly one year since me and matt broke up and i'm more bothered by the fact that its bothering me at all. i don't blame you if you couldn't follow that. i just think that things were left so unresolved with him and i always find myself wondering about what happened and why and wishing that it could've somehow been different. and i feel like i can't fully get over him until i have some sort of closure. even if its not what i want to hear.
why do i keep falling for guys with commitment issues? its like i do everything right and still get hurt. and why do i keep getting hooked on guys who are not worth my time? i know they're not and i do it anyway. maybe its because the guys who i know are worth it wont give me the time of day so i always have to end up settling for less. |
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| 10:33pm 29/07/2007 |
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mood: grumpy music: blue october-into the ocean
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o no i'm having an emo moment. i hate these. i have to admit they happened far less this summer than they usually do when i'm home but i still don't like it. i think its just because i've cared far less about a lot of the drama that goes on here but for some reason this is really getting to me. non of my "best friends" here seem to want to have one on one time with me. i honestly couldnt tell u the last time i hung out with them just me and them. i mean i've hung out w/ malarie by ourselves and i hadn't really spoke to her like all year but when i try to hang out w/ someone who i'm close to they just want to know what everyone else is doing and make it a big group outing. a lot of people probably don't realize but i'm really anti social most of the time and can't do large groups for extended periods of time and every night. i also like to connect with people. it makes me feel safer or something and i can't do that in a group really. i don't know. i feel like i have so many problems that i just put to the side most of the time to better the group. i can't think of a good way to end this entry or to resolve this so i'm just going to stop. i'm done |
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| don't say liberal arts |
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| 05:05am 19/07/2007 |
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mood: happy music: the almost-say this sooner
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so i passed out like hard core at like 12:30 tonight and slept through several missed calls and woke up at like 4 with the lights and tv on and i had been knitting to my face was like in a ball of yarn lol so this has been the birthday that never ends but it has been so great. fri night tim george came to visit for the weekend. we went mini golfing with christian and kate and then to omega diner. saturday morning me, tim, amanda, tasha, kate went to coney island. that was so fun. we went on the cyclone and the wonder wheel. we ate at the famous original nathans. we even saw a circus freak side show. so funny. the best part about that... this guy is standing there drilling a nail into his nose and hes like "so when your parents ask you what you want to major in in college.... don't say liberal arts!" hahahah it made me laugh so hard. neway so then me, tim, and tasha went for chinese food with my parents and then me, tim, amanda, tasha, christian, and emily went to alex's house for a small party. holy crap soooo crazy. i wont get into details because what happens in alex turins basement, stays in alex turnins basement. but lets just say everyone was way too drunk for their own good. but it was still amazing lol so yea sunday tim went home and i had to work. monday was my actual birthday and me, amanda, tasha, and kate went to splish splash. i love that place. then christian, alex, and emily met all of us back at my house for bbq. and we had ice cream cake. it was good. tues i worked my last day at the herricks movie theater. i really am gona miss that place but u gotta do wat u gotta do. i cant work with sam nemore ever again. if he ever leaves ill gladly go back. then today it like monsooned this morning so i didnt have to go to work. i went to babies r us to buy a gift for alex's baby shower. then out to lunch at minados with my mom, emily and her mom. then at night we got dressy and went out to beni hanas for kates bday but they sang to me too lol geez this is the bday that never ends. newho now its 5:15 in the morning... i should prob go back to sleep i've got work tomorrow if it doesnt down pour again. im sry this was so long. i give u mad props if u read the whole thing. leave me comments if u did? |
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| so yea... |
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| 10:14am 08/07/2007 |
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mood:  horny music: boys like girls-great escape
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so Amanda is definitely right. this is by far the most sexually frustrating summer since i think around 9th grade. and normally this wouldn't bother me so much. i mean I've gone longer amounts of time without doing things with guys but the problem is I'm like doing it subconsciously. like i know how to deal w/ the lack of guy right now and i just don't think about it during the day and I'm fine but almost every night I've been having dreams about past guys that I've been with or that I've liked or just guys i know. its really really bad. i don't want to be having these dreams but its not like i can help what i dream about. and these dreams seem so real. but the worst part is that the dream usually ends when my alarm clock goes off right before we're about to do anything and i just wake up feeling so unsatisfied and its really hard not to think about it for the rest of the day. o well theres not much i can do about it i guess. i have to go to work now. its my 9th day in a row working. maybe by some miracle I'll meet a hot guy there |
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| fuckkk |
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| 02:04am 10/06/2007 |
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mood: pissed off
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i fucking hate being home. i fucking hate my friends here. ive been back for what? 2 weeks? and ive already had to deal with more bullshit drama than i dealt with the entire year i was at school. god damn grow up u catty bitches |
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| omggg |
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| 01:06am 11/05/2007 |
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mood: lonely
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i'm pretty sure i'm like retarded and just did the stupidest thing i ever could do. so since me and tom are no more and i've been extra lonely lately, what does my stupid self decided to do? send matt a message on facebook. geez why on earth would that be a good idea? i'm pretty positive that was the worst idea i've had lately. and i've had some pretty bad ideas. god why do i suck so much? why do i constantly feel the need to have a guy in my life? even if we're not dating i just need someone there and that is so aweful. i want to be independent. this is all so lame. why won't anybody pay the least bit of attention to me. |
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a_machine154's journal
